the good in goodbye

so perhaps a few of you are wondering what happened to adrian....

i thought this would be easy, but truthfully, i don't know where to begin. 

i went back and i read the posts that i have made about adrian.  and it has made me a bit sad.  not that i miss him, but Lord, i just don't know.

it is obvious from reading those posts that i liked him, i mean i really did.  but i sadly think that i was more in love with the idea of him.  no, more with the idea of love.  and now i feel pathetic.  but the situation with him was complicated for numerous reasons.  and it really wasn't destined to work out.  and i find myself glad that it hasn't.  and for some pretty strange reasons.

because music is such a prevalent force in my life (i should have been a music critic) i found this words in a song recently and i was surprised at how fitting they were - so fitting in fact, they are no in the comments section under his picture on my fb page:

What goes around comes back around...
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and baby yes I saw the real you

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

he is arrogant. a pompous ass really.  and his ego is huge, like seriously off the charts.  he needs constant reassurance from a woman.  on an emotional and physical level.   i believe in service work.  volunteering is good for the soul.  he thought i was crazy.  we are at such different places in our lives.  the only commitment he can make is the non-commitment commitment.  he said from the beginning that he wasn't a "good guy" and for a while i thought it was because he needed reassurance that he was in fact an amazing person...but it is because when he starts treating you like you are a thing as opposed to a person, well you can't put his feet to the fire, because he told you in the beginning that he wasn't a good guy.  who starts out a relationship like that?  

i understood from the very start that we were not normal...it took me a while to translate that into not compatible.  and i saw the warning signs early.  i was falling into the same patterns i did with sergio early on.  a really strong physical connection, hoping that the emotional would catch up.  it is safe to say that i have some impulse control issues.  we weren't social, and that bothers me.  it bothers me a lot.  and there were other things as well.  his own opinion was paramount, while the opinion of others, especially if was not agreeable to his, had no value.  he was terribly homophobic...which i have no tolerance for. and then there is the misfortune of others...we were on the train once and this woman was running late and therefore sprinting to make the train.  and we were watching...most everyone on the train was, and she didn't make it.  and as the doors closed and we pulled out of the station, he laughed.  he said it would teach her to be on time.  well i have been that woman running late.  and it was because of traffic...or a late bus, or a late start...and i have missed the train before...and him laughing was just super shitty.  and then there is the fact that adrian hates crying.  don't engage me in an emotionally jarring conversation, knowing that there is a strong chance that i will cry.  unless you are dealing with a death in the family, then crying is a self serving pity party and he will not attend.  he sits there in silence waiting to change the subject. 

add into the mix that the connection to sergio was just newly over.  and emotionally i was dealing with that.  actually i was still trying to compartmentalize it so that i could deal with it in smaller doses and still appear normal.  there were such blinding similarities between the two of them...and that sent off more alarms in my head.

and then there was the other guy.  this other guy is someone that i have known for a while.  and i have always cared for him.  it wasn't until recently that realized how much.  and these were intrusive thoughts when i was trying to focus on adrian.  and so we are nearly full circle.

i was focusing on adrian.  on making him happy, and on being enough for him.  and the entire time i should have been focusing on being enough for myself.  wait for it....as long as i am engaged in someone else's problems and life, i don't have to deal with my own crap. 

and if i am being honest then i would have to say i have a ton of baggage.  the titantic would have sunk without the assistance of that iceberg if it were carrying the weight of my crap.  i have in the last 90 days began the very long journey of self exploration.  a concise and detailed personal inventory of myself and my thoughts and issues.  it isn't pretty.  it is kind of awful and completely emotional.  but it is necessary.  

he is great for my ego, but not for my heart.  and my heart and soul are the things that need safeguarding right now.  i went a while without talking to him.  his life got busy and i was preoccupied with my family.  i finally did call him and it was strange.  i told him that i was sorry.  it was a sincere apology.  he said that it was no big deal...he had other things occupying him.  i said "wow". that i was sorry to hear that because it sounded like a complete dismissal.  

then it sort of happened.  the thing i had been trying so hard not to do, i did.  i told him how i really felt. i told him that i thought about what i was going to say to him, and if he would understand any of it and that it was me and my fault and not his.  but it took him less than 30 days to forget about me.   that all it ever was was physical and never emotional.  and that he is emotionally constipated.  that although i wish i could be a little more like him...have the analytical side that thinks things through, that i really wish he could be more like me and let his heart fill with something that wasn't his career and what status level he had achieved.  that i thought it was sad that someone that had so much to give intellectually had nothing to offer emotionally.  that he wasn't capable of letting someone love him because although i had let down my walls he was still hiding behind his.  because i showed up while he made excuses.  that although i thought he was truly amazing, and that i thought we would be amazing, i deserved better.  that whatever this thing was that we had been doing...it was over.

he calls every day. i don't pick up the phone and i delete the messages.  i can't listen to it.  i deserve someone that will take me as i am...flaws and all.  a guy that wants the emotional complicated but totally devoted me.  someone that isn't just here for the pretty.  because i have been with men that just wanted the pretty, and when they had to deal with the real girl...well it didn't work out.  i want someone that wants me, for keeps.

for the first time i am not sad that he is gone.  i am relieved.  not because it makes me available for someone else - it does, but more importantly it gives me space to learn to love just being myself.