i am in trouble now...

see, i knew that this every day thing was going to be an issue.  hmmm looks like we will be taking this day by day.

so the day is creeping closer and closer.  but this year there is no trepidation.  its just another day.  if you know me then this must sound so strange, i celebrate birthdays...i celebrate holidays, i celebrate everything...but i am older now.  I have had a string of really bad birthdays and truly i just want the day to come and go as a minuscule blip on a radar.  well wishes instead of gifts.  an intimate dinner instead of a raging party.  this is what happens when you grow up...and i am content with it.

and because there is always a guy...let me tell you about him and how we met.

i have known adrian since may of last year (2010).  we met on the commuter train one afternoon.  we were in different seats. i was listening to my ipod and about to take a nap.  there was a commotion with security and a belligerent fellow that really should have purchased a ticket.  it was about to come to blows, but the the reinforcements showed up and everything quieted down.  needless to say, everyone in the general area was shocked and shaking there heads in agreement that things escalate like they do..all of us, 8 people or so, making eye contact, smiling in some sort of recognition of a mutual experience.  that is when it happened.  we saw each other.

i smiled.
he smiled back.
i smiled wider.
i looked down, suddenly feeling my ears get hot and deciding that my ipod was a lot more interesting than it actually was.
i waited a minute and looked up. 
he was looking out of the window at the scenery blurring by at 80mph.
i studied his profile.
he has a noble chin, if it can be described as that....firm, solid, not square.
there was a little stubble, and i couldn't picture him with a beard.
his nose was interesting, interesting being that it fit his features.  most people's noses are always slightly off.  proportion wise and personality wise. ie: my sister has a pinched narrow nose, cute but really snobby looking...absolutely not her personality...she is completely down to earth.
back to his nose...i'm crazy when i tell you that the way it fits his face makes me think he is smart...and sarcastic.
his lips are full, but not too much so.
he is groomed, hair really dark brown and not out of place.
eyebrows, full and separate - no uni-brow for him.
his eyes are dark brown like mine.  they looked honest, but i needed to see them again to be sure. 
this was all summed up in about 45 seconds...we all do it to each other. every day.
i had decided that he was handsome, and judging by his clothes (button up shirt, tie, slacks, polished shoes, book bag) he was a professional.  a young urbanite.  going home to his family. 
he was handsome. i was about to go back to my ipod....
he turned around and looked at me. oh shit.
well my ears were hot before and now they are on fire.what do i do?
i blushed...i couldn't even stop it.  feeling like a complete moron, i smiled and looked down and my still uninteresting ipod.
i sat there in a flood of embarrassment, mentally scolding myself and at the same time wonder why i was embarrassed...good grief.  i straightened up in my seat and looked up...where were we?
oh shit,  he is looking at me.
he smiled quickly and looked down at an uninteresting news paper.
his ears were turning red...is he blushing?
this is just weird, back to my ipod.  i have had a long day.
i get that sensation that you get when someone is staring at you, i look up, he is looking at me again.
do i have something on my face or in my teeth?  please God, no.
i smiled, terrified to show and teeth...please God don't let there be anything stuck in there!
discretely i found my mirror and checked...no nothing, nothing in the teeth, no marker on my face (yes i can often be found with a rogue streak of highlighter on my face, it happens)
ok. i'm thinking this guy is either interested or a complete nut job.  i need a sign.  and i specifically asked God for one. 
minutes went by, i was glancing up quickly every so often. 
nothing.
more minutes went by.
nothing.
i began to relax, because now i am feeling like the nut case.
then i heard it.
"hi"
i looked up.
he was smiling. waiting.
the train was slowing down.
people were coming from upstairs, readying themselves to exit.
i smiled back, and nodded.
then i did something that surprised even me.
i got up, threw away my water bottle and i turned around and sat down in the seat across from him.
and the moment my rear end hit the seat, a huge lump formed in my throat.
what was i thinking? seriously?
a cursory glance showed no wedding band, but in this day and age, that means nothing.
and that didn't even matter cause now i have no idea what i am going to do.
he said it again, while shifting back in his seat "hi"...
hello...i replied...not being choked by this lump in my throat.
the next 30 minutes were filled with idle chit chat, work and weather.
his stop was coming up. he had to go.
my heart began to race and i had no idea why.but at least i was not blushing.
he asked me what my name was...
oh, we forgot that.
"adriana" i replied.
his mouth dropped a little.
fear, confusion...is this his wife's name, his girlfriend's, his ex's?
"are you ok?" i asked.
"yes, its just strange, that's all" he said smoothly, then he chuckled.
"it isn't that strange of a name" i said getting defensive.
"no, it isn't" he said as he stood up.
then he smiled. a sincere warm smile "my name is adrian, maybe i will see you tomorrow".  he gently squeezed my shoulder and walked down the stairs and exited the train, not before he threw one more smile at me over his shoulder.
his parting picture of me consisted on a girl sitting in a seat, her eye brows raised and a surprised smile across her face.
it didn't take long for me to realize that i had received a sign.(just so you know we also share the same birthday...and a few other strange things)

fast forward to last night. roughly 8 months after we first met.
he kissed me. it isn't the first time. that was the night before.
but this, this was sweet. soft. and dream like.
it was perfect. a little weak kneed, everything out of focus, forgot where i was perfect.

being the girl i am, i asked him"is this where you imagined be would be when we met that afternoon on the train?"
"no" he said, shaking his head. "but i am glad" and then he squeezed my hand and kissed me again.

and in my head a small voice giggled and said"girl, you are in trouble now"