and so it begins...happy birthday to me.

heaven help me, i hope yesterday was not a prelude to the coming year.

after a a great night with my sisters and one of my best girlfriends, I popped up out of bed after only 6 hours of sleep.  this is amazing for me because for a very long time i have been an eight hour minimum kinda girl.

i took gypsy to the dog park where she truly must have thought that she was better than every other dog there.  no one was good enough to play with and she seemed bored.  i then ran a few errands, started dinner in my new crock pot (thanks mom), and then met one of my sisters at the holy-land otherwise known as ikea.  a few more errands and then home i went.

something was missing the entire day and it was him.  ugg i even cringe as i type this.  i have realized that in 7 months i have grown accustomed to his presence in my life, but after that kiss...well like i said, i knew i was in trouble.

we had "loose" plans to have a drink tonight as it isn't a "school night" for him and those were dashed when a friend whom he hasn't seen in a few months asked if she could take him out to dinner for his birthday.  he told her yes.  i'm not devastated but i am disappointed.  and again as i write this i want to stick my finger down my throat.  his loss really, cause i am looking super hot today.  everything happens for a reason though, and this change of plans could very well be the answer to a prayer. 

i don't want to be disappointed, i don't want to be unhappy...i just wanted to have a good day and this definitely flies in the face of that very thing.

birthdays for me have been nearly tragic for several years due to one person...lets introduce our antagonist...sergio.

before the pea-nut gallery comes in with there comments, i will acknowledge that i my relationship with him has nearly always been unhealthy.  and it was nearly 9 years long.  in fact we still live together in a 2 bedroom apartment, and these days it is torture.

in the last five years, he has asked me what i wanted for my birthday, and each year the request has been the same, quiet time with him.  on my birthday for the last five years i have: cried, sobbed, begged, and pleaded for this simple thing. 
i was crazy.
i was foolish,
i was stupid.
i was in denial.
i was pathetic.
i was a mess.

some of you are saying "no, no you weren't" but you weren't there in those moments when i was having a full on anxiety attack wonder what i had done so wrong that he didn't want to see me on my birthday.  the answer was nothing.  i had done nothing except for want.  i have learned...along with numerous things that to want something from this man is the beginning of the end.  as long as you don't want, you will be perfectly fine, and you will bask in the warm glow of his love.  the minute you let it escape that you have a minuscule want...that you could be longing for something...so starts your demise.

before you light these torches and gather up your pitchforks, stop. 
you have no right, or reason.
he didn't do this to me.
i let this happen to myself.
several of you watched me go through this.  i can't imagine how painful it had to have been. and i am so sorry that i let you watch it. sorry that i let it go on.

it hasn't all been bad, and in 10 years i will look back and will see even less of it.  in the end, i think me leaving him is hurting him more than it ever will me.  i am free.  i am breathing, and free, and moving forward.  he is confined to an emotional prison of his own making and he still doesn't understand why...and we will cover that, i promise.

i love him, but i could never be in love with him again.  i owe him more than most people can understand.  we have been to hell and back a few times, we bare the emotional scars to prove it.  and despite it all, when it is all said and done with i just want for him to be happy.

well i am halfway through the day and feeling pretty ok.  we will see how the drive home goes, things could change for the better or for the worse.

i will end by counting some of my blessings:

i know with out a single doubt that i am saved by God's grace, and it is amazing.
i know that i am a loved daughter.
i know that i am a cherished sister.
i know that i am fortunate to call melanie and lisa my best friends.
i know that i am finally feeling settled and like i am coming into my own.
i know that i am so much stronger than i ever imagined.
i know that there is love and contentment out there...and when we finally meet, the world better hang on.

thank you all for the birthday wishes, it means a lot and is the reason for my smile today.

with that, i can't wait to see what tomorrow brings ♥