"i would tell him that it was over, but it never really began"
this is how i felt saturday and sunday.
i was ready (and am still leaning towards) just ending what ever this is that we are doing.
if i am going to be honest about it, it is fear that is gripping me right now. i am one of those people that if i have basic knowledge of a situation, i can get by, i can get through, i can keep moving forward. without this basic information (which is where i presently find myself), i am adrift. i come to a complete standstill. i will meltdown. and meltdown, i have done.
three days...it would be three days till i saw him again, i could keep busy that long. this is torture, and because our time together was cut so short on thrusday, my mind began to wander...and then race and then jump off of a cliff. i was able to (in a very short amount of time) come up with at least two dozen scenarios as to what he was actually doing, whom he was doing it with. even as i write this i realize how ridiculous this sounds...
i just have my head in my hands wondering how damaged i can possibly be from these past relationships that i am willing to put myself through this hell.
i had convinced myself that i need to end this, and i am still not sure. i need to feel connected to him on a social level that exists outside the confines of our afternoon commute. i don't want to be the carpool chick that he gets hot and heavy with in the parking lot at the train station.
ok, so yeah, there has been some hot and heavy action...we act like teenagers...cause lets face it, its been a while, for both of us. and as outstanding as that has been, i require more. lets face it, if i was just looking for sex, i would have had a a string of one night stands and scratched that itch a while ago.
there is a marine saying "you had better figure out a way to get un-fucked". can someone please tell me how do i un-fuck this?
how did this get fucked? you may be asking yourself...well hold on to your seats...i am about to unload the crazy.
we have planned our wedding. its very tongue-in-cheek and yet very serious at the same time. we don't reference our future spouse...we reference each other.
last june i started taking wedding books/magazines with me on my commute, one of my sisters is getting married so this became my chosen reading material. he became alarmed the first time he saw them and immediately asked about my status, i confirmed that i was completely single and i asked him and he said the he was as well.
so he asks what we are looking at and i show him ....and it takes off from there. and it takes off fast.
our colors are royal blue and navy with accents of yellow and deep violet.
we are having a catholic ceremony, this is important to him and he asked me if i was willing to take the classes and go to the required marrige counseling...i said yes.
he is wearing a deep navy suit with vest.
i am wearing an eggshell white fitted dress, he picked it out and i really liked it.
we are searving chicken, pork, and fish.
there will be several spanish dishes that i really can't pronounce.
we are having a spring wedding, evening service and outside reception.
we will wed in miami.
his son will be his best man with 3 additional groomsmen
the cake will be something light vanilla/almond/raspberry.
up until recently he had no concept of what a groomscake was. when i explained it he immediately wants one in the shape of a knights helmet and it has to be red velvet cake.
our first dance is going to be to a classic...we are still working on that one.
we are honeymooning in bora bora for a week.
this is something that we have seriously talked about.
now that i have actually typed all of that out i realize how crazy this is. i feel overwhelmed and foolish. looks like we have been screwing this up since the begining. i just don't know how to begin to put this right.
i have feelings for this guy and i am so totally freaked out by all of the combinations of possibilities that i am more than willing to end this, whatever this is. completely end it and walk away. and i know the moment that i do, i will regret it and by that point it is too late to go back.
i want to thank a certain blonde beauty that called me last night. like her, i sincerely wish we had a better relationship. i wish that after all of these years, we had been closer. i want to thank her because she was honest, and in her honesty of not knowing what to do, i was able to see that i was totally over reacting. i need to breathe...long deep breaths. it is hard though. my instinct is to run and run fast. she has convinced me to keep my feet right where they are and give him a chance. and so i will try.
i text him this morning....and got nothing.
he text me back and i missed it because the radio was much too loud. i texted him , asking how he was, and he called me instead. it was brief...and nothing special and yet i was relieved all at the same time. oh, and i won't seeing him today either. four days.
i don't know how i am going to manage all of this and the chaos in my head. i guess now i am on a mission to be patient and make it through february and to actually get that date. that social interaction i crave. and if it doesn't come...well i suppose it is over.
wish me luck and if any of you know how to un-fuck this can you please let me know.
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