yellow brick road

in the last few weeks i can't tell you how many moments i have had where i found myself clicking my heels together and thinking there "is no place like home".  not that i necessarily wanted to be home...i am in transition right now and really have no place to call my own.  i think i have just been looking for some semblance of normal. 

i have undergone some really rough changes, emotionally and physically.  i have found some help along the way.  people that genuinely care about me and my well being.  i have also realized who and what (including a ton of my own baggage) is weighing me down.  i had said that this was going to be a process, and so it is and has been and will continue to be.

i don't think that i am dorothy, but  i look around and often think that i am in oz.  i am in desperate search of the wizard and that hot air balloon.  well, if i am being honest, i never lost the wizard, he has been here the entire time, i just haven't been paying attention.  now...to find that damn balloon...

arthur and joan, whom i really consider more like auntie em and uncle henry,  have told me (in no uncertain terms) that i have had 34 long years to damage my self and the road back is going to be painful and full of tears that need to be shed.  and shed them i have.

i have scarcely had a moment of worship or prayer that wasn't spent with tears spilling down my cheeks.  and as much as i want to run, and wipe those tears away, i can't.  they have to come.  they have to fall, because they have to be counted.

just like dorothy, i have a wicked witch of the east...i may not be innocent at all in any of this, but she went way too far in concocting a few damaging lies of her own and then telling everyone about them.  her excuse is that she is angry.  it doesn't help that she has tried to insert herself into my family's life, like a surrogate for my absence.  its more than a bit creepy.  but hey, i have more than a little faith that someone will drop a house on her sooner rather than later.

as for the lollipop guild and the majority of the munchkin village, my family is an odd bunch that like to gang up on each other as long as the focus is not on them.   why deal with your own issues when you can focus on someone else's.  and i am not excused from this situation.  to each their own, but at 34 i have decided that there are things that i am just not willing to put up with.  condescension is one of them.  everyone in my family and i mean everyone has skeletons in their closet - or should i say flying monkeys.  and some people that think they have pristine lives have a few monkeys that they are not even aware of.

at the rate i am being pushed, i am about to open several of those closet doors and let those monkeys fly - and fling some poo.  sometimes the only way to get people to back off or back up is to fling a bucket of water on them and watch them melt.

last, but not least, there is glenda - the good witch of the north - this is definitely mary sue.  i am more thankful to her than i can ever really say. she has always reminded me that there are things that i just have to figure out for myself and decisions that have to be made and that it is ok to think about myself.  to be selfish in these decisions because they are going to impact me in the long run and not so much anyone else.

and lets not forget the scare crow and the cowardly lion and the tin man - or as i like to call them sergio, chuck, and adrian.  men in my life that care but are just not destined to be permanent figures.

so my journey down the yellow brick road continues, i see the dark forest up ahead, and i am sure there is a field of poppies somewhere waiting for me. but i will keep on clicking my ruby red slippers - or what i call hope - and remind myself that there is no place like home, even if it is just in my heart.  that i can do this, and really i have been able to do it all along.