i am laughing because this blog is starting to feel like it is more about other people and less about me. i think i want for people to know that if you are in my life, if i have made a decision to let you in, then i am invested in you. and i care about the things that are important to you. this is a jagged double edged sword. on the one hand, you know that i have your back, 100%. on the other, in a very self destructive way, i don't have to deal with the things that are going on in my own life. i know, it is horrible. and i am ashamed of this, and disgusted even as i write it.
i am invested in adrian. and i believe with some conviction that he is invested in me. this is a different relationship for us, by our own admission. because i have trouble controlling my impulses, if he were any other guy, we would have slept together by now. and he would tell you the same if i were any other girl. this thing is different, it really has a life of its own, and we are watching it unfold before us.
he has been under a great deal of stress at work. i know that he is weary and tired. so, for the last few days instead of him taking the train in the morning, i pick him up at the station, and i drive. this isn't out of my way by more than 10 minutes. i have no problem with it. our conversations are great. we talk about current events. history, science, technology, religion, our families, our pasts. i think we are on a level where we can tell each other anything, and this is something i have never experienced before. and it is scary.
so we were in the car, and he was reading me the headlines from the new york times, and he had just put the seat back so he could relax. i glanced over and him and smiled and then i looked back up. that is when it happened.
now i am going 82 mph. i know this because i set the cruise control at that speed.
my night vision is not the best with contacts, so focusing hard on something is difficult.
all i know is that there was a big beige blob in the HOV lane at 5:20 in the morning.
i am closing in on this blob and i may only be about 40 yards away from it if that.
internally i screamed no.
i verbally said - apparently in a very calm voice, "oh my god, please no."
with traffic in the other lane, i swerved into the emergency lane and back into the HOV lane.
it happened so quickly, seconds that felt like minutes.
i never once touched the brakes.
it was one fluid movement.
we were fine.
the moment that he heard me, adrian sat up. just in time to see the beige blob and to really see the car swerve. "oh my god!" he exclaimed, "what was that?!?"
"a sofa" i replied warily.
"you mean like a couch?" he questioned
"no, i mean like a sofa" i said.
"why does it have to be a sofa?" he asked in earnest.
"because it was a sofa" i replied, confused.
"how do you know it was french?" he continued.
"i don't. but in my own personal experience the only things that fall off the backs of moving vehicles are never american, therefore it is likely that it isn't a couch" i answered with sincerity.
"good point, but why are you assuming that it fell off the back of a vehicle?" he ventured.
"what other method of transportation are you suggesting?" i asked
"well, considering that it looked broken, there is the chance that it came from a plane."he answered seriously.
"a plane?"i asked.
"yes, a plane, we were at the airport, why not a plane?" he proposed.
"are you suggesting that the....." i paused.
"i will concede that it was french....." he finally agreed.
".....ok, so the sofa....." i continued.
"yes, the sofa....." he nodded his head.
"fell off of a plane?" i finished.
"or it could have been pushed?" he hypothesized.
"someone pushed a sofa off of a plane?" i was not convinced with his theory.
"stranger things have happened." he mused.
"i agree" i nodded.
"perhaps it didn't fall off of the plane, perhaps it leaped" he pondered.
"as in it committed suicide?" i was beginning to think we are seriously loosing our minds, but my current motto is go with it...so i went.
"it could happen" he was convinced.
"no, the french don't do that" i said.
"don't do what?" he asked.
"fling themselves off of or out of things." i answered.
"they don't" he questioned.
"no, that is too american for them, they prefer the drama of hanging or a single bullet to the heart or head...and there is always a note." i said with a sense of satisfaction.
"how do you know these things?" he wondered.
"i just do" i quipped.
"hmmmm..."he said and then he looked at me appraising, "why are you gripping the steering wheel like that?sit back" he said, concern staining the edges of his statement.
"i can't" i admitted.
"why?" the concern seeped in a bit further.
"because i am anxious" i said anxiously.
"why?!?" now he sounded anxious.
"because wherever there is a sofa...there are cushions!" i said and then i just laughed. and then i was laughing so hard i was crying. and then he was laughing. it was great. he had to hold the wheel while i wiped away the tears. it lasted for nearly 5 miles. non stop laughter, snorting (yes we both snort sometimes when we laugh), and giggles.
"you know, " he said as he finally calmed down, "i thought it was a cow"
"a what?" i asked, confused.
"a cow" he replied with a smile in his voice.
"a cow..."
"yeah, i thought it was a pink cow" he said as if pink cows are a normal everyday occurrence.
"so they have a lot of pink cows in cuba do they?" i questioned.
"no, he said, that one just looked pink" he replied.
we broke into hysterics one last time and after another 10 minutes, settled into easy conversation about work and about his son. i know i talk a lot about the things that are happening with adrian and i, but it is because i have never done this before. all of this is new. yes, i have dated, but this is completely different. it is so foreign to me, that i just don't know what to do half of the time. or if i am even doing it right. i can tell you though, it is moments like these, these moments that we share in the car (or on the phone), they make me realize that i have to let go. and they make it easy to let go. so i am trying, a little each day. and i pray that little by little, this will find a way to work.
No comments:
Post a Comment