the last week has been strange. i am on the precipice of something huge, i just can't see what it is, i just know that it is change. if you know me, you know that change in general is frightening to me. i am a "nester", i like my place and i like my things in it and i like the security that comes from that.
i am almost completely done with my move. just a little packing left to go and then i will be at my sisters for a few months. as much as i love her, i hope we don't kill each other. we are two very different people and truthfully, i am going to miss the buzz of the city. i can't tell you how much i love living in miami.
this move has been exceptionally difficult because it is a permanent end to an old relationship. i keep going back to the thought of i never meant to hurt him. i hope he never meant to hurt me. we are a statistic, people that fell out of love, we are one of those things that happens. i feel like i should be fighting, i am not the one to quit, but at this point, what would i be fighting for? us, a relationship that is long past its expiration date? i need to give up on this, i need to fight for me instead.
seeing my things all boxed up reminds me of how nothing is permanent, no matter how badly i want to put down firm roots, in a small plastic pot i must stay for a while. mobile and restless. i am awash in sadness of the thought of it. i want my own place where my window opens to a garden view. where a cool breeze mixed with the salt of the ocean will make the window sheers dance on a clear spring night. i keep the faith that this simple little treasure will be mine soon enough.
i had my first official date with adrian last sunday, 03/13/2011. it was everything it needed to be. he called me early on sunday and asked "hey! what are you doing?".
"dropping off my laundry and then going to the book store." i replied as i sorted my clothes.
"oh, which one?" he asked.
"laundry mat or book store?" i teased.
"haha, funny girl. bookstore." he laughed.
"uh, the only one around here, barnes and noble" i said as i continued to sort the mountain of clothes.
"where is that one at" he asked.
"uh between 163rd and 187th" i automatically replied, distracted looking for laundry detergent.
"ok, i will meet you there" he chirpped into the phone.
my world came to a screeching halt and nearly fell off of its axis.
"WHAT?" i said slowly, because there was no way in hell i heard him correctly.
"yeah, i will meet you there, i know where it is" he said confidently. "i will call you when i am close."
"OK?" i promise it was a question and not a reply. my heart started racing,
it was like a gun shot went off in my head. i was racing around that apartment at break-neck speed. poor gypsy just hid in the blankets on the bed. this would have been ok, had i not still been in my pajamas and still wearing make-up from my late night out - 4 hours before. if my hair didn't smell like the pool hall where i had been. i was in the shower and shit! i had to shave my legs! ugggggh! i was wielding that razor so quickly that i really don't know how i made it out of the shower without cutting myself. the second my feet hit the tile, my phone rang.
"hello?!?!?!?!" i said bewildered.
"hi" he said so full of energy, " i am at 125th"
"wow!" i managed, he must have flown because that was a 10 minute shower and he lives 30 minutes south of me. " i am leaving in 15 minutes"
"oh, ok, see you there" he laughed and hung up.
i now have to make a decision between hair or makeup - and decide on clothes in the process. hair, definitely hair, he has seen me without makeup and it is the weekend. hair it is, but it is soaking wet! geeez! i had to finger dry it, and it came out looking straight, but windblown, i threw on my flip flops and a tank top, i grabbed three other shirts and pulled on my jean shorts. crap! dry legs, lotion. heavens to betsy! where are my glasses. oh hair tie just incase! lip gloss is in the car....ooooo i need mascara.
i was getting a raging headache so i managed to get 3 ibuprofen down with a gulp of 5 hour energy. and i was out the door. i literally tried on 2 shirts along the 7 minute drive to the book store. when i got there, i parked next to him and swiped on some gloss. then at the last minute changed into a plain white v-neck tee. the guy that pulled in on the other side of me got a show and i was too nervous to care. one last glance in the window...whew...cute, casual, kinda studious (love my glasses), but most of all, i looked like me. into the store i went.
i texted him "where are you" and i waited while looking through the bargain books. i was looking at people but i didn't see him, so i just kept looking through the shelves. i picked up a photography book and i was thumbing through it when i heard "excuse me". my automatic response was "pardon me" and i shifted a bit to let them by. "no, you are fine" the voice said and it was familiar and a smile hit my lips before i even looked up. and when i looked up, it was better than i expected. i have never seen adrian in casual clothes, until now. i was pleasantly surprised, cargo shorts and a hurley shirt. some sneakers...i was impressed as most men have trouble dressing themselves. i received a warm hug and big kiss. we evaluated each other, taking the other person in as we circled each other, both of us smiling.
he touched my hair and i touched his hand. even now, in this book store, this man's simple affectionate touch thrills me. i smile wider, if this is possible. and then i exhaled...long and deep, unaware that i hadn't been breathing. we fiddled around in the stacks, thumbing through books and calling out titles. he caught my hand and pulled me towards him and planted a sweet kiss near my ear. i was laughing and dizzy.
"lets get out of here" he laughed.
"what" i questioned quickly coming out of this euphoria.
"unless you want to stay?" he said now confused by my resistance. i don't like the unknown, i don't like not having a plan and the book store was the plan and now there is going to be no plan, we are on the no plan plan. my stomach clenched and i felt the poopy cramps. STOP IT! i literally screamed this inside my head. JUST GO WITH IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! JUST EFFING GIVE IN! i screamed again. and then i did something that i never thought i was capable of doing, i grabbed his hand in mine and i shot him a big smile over my shoulder and said "lets go".
he asked if he could drive and i said sure. so in his car i went, now giving up control and having to relax. i had to now just be the passenger. he told me that he wanted to buy a soccer ball for his son and i told him there was a target a short distance away. so off we went. walking from the car into the store he said we could go kick the ball around too. this literally stopped me dead in my tracks. uh, i don't do sports well anymore. he knew this, but it was a beautiful day and he wanted to be outside. i stuffed those voices in my head far far away and went with it. i gave in and said ok. if i make a fool of myself, so be it.
we drove over to a park near hollywood beach, it was super crowded and we were not there long. but we were there long enough to practice just kicking the small ball back and forth. i was doing pretty well until it got caught up underneath my feet, i was falling backwards before i could even think about it. adrian's arms shot out to catch me, but it was too late and i dragged him down with me. neither one of us hurt we lay there him on top of me laughing. this retiree, way too tan but enjoying his florida lifestyle saw the entire thing and he was laughing too. "good job there" he called out. adrian, still laughing, replied "oh no, it was an accident, i didn't do this on purpose". this made the man stop and actually laugh harder, "no son, i wasn't talking about you, little missy there knows exactly what she is doing" and he strode away. adrian shot me a shocked look of disbelief just in time to see the man's accusation cause a deep blush. i shook my head and i pushed my palm against his chest "oh no, i am not that good" and then we started laughing again. we finally got to our feet and decided to go somewhere with an open field.
he drove us to fiu, where he used to attend. we went to the back practice field, fingers entwined the entire way. he stride is quicker, but he slowed down for me. it was more of a stroll. there was a great breeze. when we got there he decided to man the goal while i kicked them in. i was just waiting to hear my toe snap and break as i was wearing flip flops, but that never happened. he was patient with me. letting me choose to push my own physical boundaries, not insisting that i do it, but allowing me to decide on my own.
he was trying sincerely, but the truth is i was never bad at soccer. i caught him off guard several times and they just went shooting in. one in particular shot under the net and went rolling. he broke away to chase it and decided to really kick it back. it missed its mark and went wide. feeling pretty good i followed, at a decent sprint. i heard his steps behind me and stooped to pick up the ball, i heard a thud and looked up to see him in the grass. i rushed to bent over and searched his face for distress...he just broke out laughing. apparently the had to dive into the grass to keep from trucking me right there on the practice field. thank god.
we dusted off and started to take a campus walk. kicking the ball back and forth as we went. it was simple and sweet. low key like we had known each other for years. making our way to the back of the campus, we found ourselves across the cove from oleta river state park. i showed him on the horizon where the kayaks come out of the mangroves and into the bay. he was surprised that i like to kayak and that i believe that i am good at it. he likes to as well, and we mention together that it would be something great to do during the summer when the water warms up. we walk a little farther and then cut back between the buildings. after using the restrooms and getting some water we head out. not sure of what to do, we were about to cut the day short. then i mentioned air hockey.
no, this wouldn't be our game, not our epic battle, just practice. i will preface this with the fact that i should have ate. it was 2 in the afternoon and the most i had had was a bottle of water, 3 ibuprofen, a a 5 hour energy. my head was reeling a little from the heat. the blast of a/c from inside boomers in lauderdale felt like an oasis, my hunger forgotten, we got our game card and found a table.
the first game was all me. i was totally aggressive, i didn't give up an inch. we were sweaty in minutes and i wasn't letting go. some of those goals were hard earned. some were so slick that i yelped with joy, arms in the air.
we should have taken a break. but we pressed on. he took the second game, he was totally warmed up, i didn't make a fuss. i let him have his little victory, by one point. at that point though, my head was really spinning and i was feeling slightly dazed. i was sweaty but cold, this was not good. knowing that he would freak out, i tried to push through. please keep in mind that i am a good player, one of the best. but i just sat there and watched him score point after point after point. i think it ended up being 7-1 his favor. i was done.
i kept laughing but told him i was hungry, we should go. telling him that i am hungry rather than hypoglycemic seemed like a good idea. so we left, laughing and telling jokes the entire way. we laughed so much my sides and my cheeks hurt. the truth is, you could take out all romantic involvement, and i was still having a great time, one of the best really, with a great friend.
when we got back to my car, i went in to the bookstore for something to drink and he used the facilities. we flipped through some more magazines this time. as we perused the science and tech magazines he patiently answered all of my questions. i learned a lot and i learned a lot about him. he also drank the majority of my coffee, but i was willing to share. i am surprised that he liked it because i am such a coffee snob. it was great though.
it was getting late, by late i mean 4 pm, and we both had to be in bed early. with work the next day, we left the bookstore, and he walked me to my car. a sweet kiss, nothing heated. it wasn't necessary. an intimate hug, the kind where you linger in each other's outstretched arms. both of us still smiling, knowing that we would be on the phone in a few minutes with each other. we are silly this way.
back on biscayne he turns towards 95 as i head south to pick up my laundry. my phone rings.
"hello stranger" i said
he just laughed.
"wow, i haven't heard from you in almost 8 minutes" i said happily into the phone.
he laughed harder and followed it up with "i am glad you met up with me today". never have his words been so sincere. i actually think my heart skipped a beat. i was taken off guard by the sincerity in his voice.
beaming i managed a "me too, i had a great time".
it was idle chit chat after that and two more short conversations later before we were both asleep for the night.
i get why it waited this long. we have known each other for almost a year. i don't think either one of us are looking for a grand gesture. i know i'm not. i am looking for honesty, and honesty in the moment. and more than that, he helps me stay in the moment, whether he knows this or not. i am thankful for this tiny miracle that isn't so tiny.
the fact remains that out of all the first dates, be they dinners, movies, dancing, or any number of romantic gestures, this one by far was the best. it was just me and him at a basic level. no false pretenses, no best behavior. we were ourselves. we were us.
No comments:
Post a Comment