i have not always been a rational person. well after last night you wouldn't say that i am now. lets just say that in my youth, if someone had an idea, i was usually the first one saying "i'll do it".
i am in no way, shape, or form, proud of what i did.
but there is some back story to this as well...there is with everything.
almost a month ago...adrian and i were supposed to get together, finally, for friday night date night. i can't even begin to tell you how excited i was. i even made a last minute appointment on my lunch break to get my hair blown out. when i tell you that it was the best that i have looked in over a decade...i am not kidding you.
then at 4:35 pm, as i am headed to pick him up from his train station. he text me that there was a change in plans. there was an emergency meeting and he was going to arrange for a ride to the train. my stomach began to tighten up.
i called him and he answered. i inquired about this meeting and his director was sick, it was a 3 day weekend, so there was now a meeting to replace what would normally happen on monday mornings.
i said i could wait at my sister’s house and pick him up from another station further down the line (boynton). he said no, not to wait, it wasn't necessary and that he had to go. i text him back that it wasn't an issue...i could wait. i never received a reply.
i have severe trust issues. and let me add that i have always felt horrible that i willingly pack these issues up into tidy little boxes and place the boxes inside suitcases and backpacks. i then heap them upon adrian at every chance i get (when he isn't looking). it isn't fair to him. i know it isn't. but heaven help me, i just can't stop myself sometimes.
i was upset. this wasn't a change in plans, this was an outright cancellation. i think what made it worse is that there was no apology. that stung. that stung a lot. i get that this is his career, his job, but it isn't mine, i guess i just wanted the common courtesy of an apology, or at least a little remorse that you have now cancelled.
i was angry and i was crying, and i decided to mentally open one of those little boxes of trust issues. well let me tell you, i forgot how tightly i had packed those little suckers in there, because when i tore into that box, those things came shooting out like a can of surprise snakes.
i was crying, at times, uncontrollably. maybe had i not put so much effort into it, into getting ready, then it wouldn't have been so bad. or maybe if we had managed to spend some time together before. time that wasn't this commute that i am now coming to resent, perhaps then, it wouldn't have been so bad.
in the box of issues that i had re-opened, apparently i had packed away a little bit of crazy too.
***i had an appointment with my stylist, julie, the next day. we both showed up at the salon with heavy hearts and long faces. her's for more personal reasons, but by the time i got done regaling her with the rest of the story she was smiling and felt better about herself...at one point she had to stop cutting my hair because she was laughing so hard and disaster was eminent***
after crying on the phone with one of my best friends for over an hour, how lisa deals with me, i just don't know, i decided to go home. keep in mind, this was after i went to his regular station to verify that he wasn't actually lying and getting on the train and then waited at the boynton beach station, incase i got a text from him saying that sure, he would want a ride home. crazy is as crazy does and i am still amazed at how far a little crazy can go.
on this drive, i just cried, perfectly applied mascara running down my cheeks. because along with trust issues, i am now adrift in a sea of my own insecurities. and that is where i decide that i need to know for a fact that he is or is not lying. because that was the very best thought i had in my emotional state going south bound on i-95. i hung up with lisa...she really should have know better. and perhaps she did because she called me back just in time to try to rationalize with me.
you see, i had decided in my infinite emotional wisdom that going to the tri-rail station to see if his car was there was the most brilliant plan i had ever had. all i can say is bless lisa and her patience, again, i have no idea how she deals with me. she, realizing that i was not backing down off this ledge...after all of her pleas, decided to take a different approach. she was now going to reprise her role as jiminy cricket...my rational conscience.
over the next hour and a half...yes an entire 90 minutes and 3 trains worth of crazy, i sat in that parking lot and she was on the phone with me. we discussed everything, and after the end of each topic she asked me to leave to which i would reply, "i will in a moment."
we talked about my mom, my dad, my sisters, my nephew, my sister's wedding, the bridesmaid dresses...and she asked me to leave.
we talked about boys, and specifically adrian, about their complete inability to communicate, about my trust issues, about sergio...and she asked me to leave.
we talked about the fact that i really had to pee, and her work, her schedule, my upcoming move...i swear she has the patience of a saint...and she would ask me to leave.
she waited with me as each south bound train would come into the station. she would listen as i looked for him and would describe the other people getting off of the train...none of which were him...she would ask me to leave.
then it was as if everything happened at once. because in my life, it does.
she asked me where i was, i told her that i had parked about 80 yards away from his car, sort of behind a tree and surrounded by other cars. (even as i type this, i cringe) i had to move my car 3 times because people kept leaving and i was just trying to blend. (i know that nothing about this is normal) so i sat there and i heard the engine of another southbound train coming into the station. i was defeated. i was tired and i had to pee.
"were you going to confront him?" she asked me.
"oh god no!" i said, "what part about me sitting in a parking lot waiting on him would give me the upper hand in a confrontation?"
she muttered something to the affect of "i have been asking you that question for a while now"
"i am just going to go" i said ready to cry again. and i was just a moment away from putting the key in the ignition.
"he isn't on that train either?" she asked.
"i don't know" i replied, exasperated by the situation and the shame was creeping in around the corners. i looked up and in the distance i could see what could be perceived as a familiar shape. it felt like i had just been thrown into a pool of icy water.
"oh shit! oh god! oh no!" was all i could manage.
"is it him?" lisa asked...perhaps she was holding her breath too.
"i can't tell, i am look at his back, he is climbing the stairs" i wailed.
"what do you mean you can't tell" she demanded.
"well I don't exactly spend all of my free time staring at his back" i snapped back. "what do i do?!?!?" because at this point a car pulling out of the parking lot is going to draw attention as there were no other cars in the lot with their lights on, and in about 5 more stairs he would be facig that parking lot and my goose was cooked.
"you should have left" she said.
"really?" i asked, "because right now is not exactly a great time for you to have your 'i told you so' moment lisa". i was suddenly overcome with "poopy" cramps and feeling sicker by the second.
"stay put and be quiet" she whispered. "can he see you?"
"not yet and he can't hear me either so why are you whispering?" i asked.
"i don't know" was all lisa could offer.
"i'm getting down" i whispered and i hunched lower in the seat. i was focused like a laser beam on the figure coming across the bridge. and then i saw that familiar move. the figure pushed those black glasses back up on his nose. "sweet mother of god!, lisa it's him! oh fuck me running!" i exclaimed in my lowest whisper, still wondering why we, but most of all she was whispering. because even at 80 yards out, he still can't hear me. then i did something that i still do not understand to this day...i rolled up the window. this may seem normal. a perfectly normal way to seek refuge and cover. and it would have been, except for the fact that my windows have no tint. nothing. and then i laughed. because i realize what an idiot i have been. that i had lost my god-forsaken mind.
"what is funny? did he see you?" she asked. god bless her she was living this with me.
"no, i rolled up the window." i laughed again.
"good" she urged.
"no, i am laughing cause there is no tint on the glass" and then i really let loose with a laugh.
"what is wrong with you?" she pleaded
"i don't know" i wailed again and just then he exited the stairwell and looked up. i don't think he saw me, but a completely freaked out "aaaaarrrrrrrrrrruuuugggggghhhhhhh" escaped my mouth. "oh. my. god! it is most definitely him!" and as i watched him fumble for his keys, my heart was beating out of my chest. i suppose he had that feeling that you get when you think someone is
"what are you doing now?" lisa begged after hearing all of the commotion. i informed her of the new position i had taken in the front seat of the car and she just mumbled something that i couldn't understand.
i felt sick. i mean at death's door sick. adrenaline, shame, embarrassment, regret, discomfort, self loathing....they all flooded my system at once and sent my head and heart spinning. and she stayed with me on the phone and reminded me to breathe. because apparently i had forgotten about that. i sucked in a big gulp of air and my head really went spinning.
"what is he doing?" she asked.
"i have no idea" i said wearily tears streaming down my cheeks.
"why not?" she she asked.
"because i am laying down in the front seat of a car, stalking a guy that isn't my boyfriend so that i can prove that he is a liar and never talk to him again." i hissed through my teeth.
"and how is that working out for you?" she quipped.
"seriously?" i whined.
"just look" she urged.
"i can't because if he does look over here he won't see a seemingly empty car, he will see a little round head where a seat should be, i am trying to stay inconspicuous!" i blurted.
"inconspicuous was not pulling into the parking lot 90 minutes ago" she said dryly into the phone.
"you think? really?" i was completely unraveling.
"just take a quick peak" she urged.
"ugggghhhh" i breathed and in what seemed to be minutes and was only 2 or 3 seconds, i slowly raised my head, but just then i saw the reflection of a small dark car in my windshield. i slammed myself back down onto the seat and just groaned.
"what is going on?!?!?" i could hear her say because the phone was now in the other seat.
"i think he just drove by" i said, just wanting to be home drowning is a glass of merlot. in my infinite wisdom, i had inadvertently parked on one of the main exit lanes in the parking area.
"how long should i wait?" i asked her...wanting to be anywhere but here. we counted to 30 slowly and had decided come hell or high water i was leaving that parking lot even if it meant that he was standing right outside my car. because lets face it, at this point i am so far gone that if he does see me, there is nothing reasonable, or even remotely convincing that i can say to make it appear like anything other than what it was.
when we reached 30, yes she was counting with me, mostly for me, i sat straight up and put the key in the ignition. as i turned the key i chanced a look out of the window. he wasn't there, he was gone. and the most important part was he had told me the truth. why would he have lied to me. i was feeling the lowest of the low. i told lisa i would call her back and i hung up and got the hell out of dodge.
the moment my wheels hit the street, i called him. i don't know why, i was still a sobbing mess.
he answered so cheerfully that i actually felt worse.
i asked how the meeting was and he said long, and that he was sorry that he didn't call but he fell asleep for a while on the train.
then he asked me if i was driving.
a meek "yes" was all i could muster.
"oh, where are you" he asked.
"uh," there is a good chance he could see the car, so i can't lie. "coming out of ft. lauderdale"
"oh, wow" he said, "i must have just missed you." and i am thinking to myself, babe, you have no idea.
he then asked why i wasn't at home, and even though less than 30 minutes before i was convinced that he was lying to me, i could only bring myself to tell a half truth.
"i was just hanging out"i said a breezy as possible given my tear streaked cheeks.
"oh, ok" was all that he said and then he went on to tell me about the meeting. i couldn't hear anything but the sound of his voice as i finally got off at my exit. i was completely comforted in the familiarity of this pattern that we had. he told me that he was home, just a few short moments after i walked into my apartment.
he had told me he was exhausted and promised to call the next day. i said good night and smiled, the first real, heartfelt smile in over 4 hours. it felt strange. as much as i wanted that smile to radiate through my body, it just sat there on my face. it couldn't spread anywhere because of my awful behavior and the way i had acted that night. what i put myself through, and what i was once again placing on his shoulders
Yes, yet another one of your on the edge of my seat blog post. THANKS!!! I love the suspence of your life. LMBO
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