last week something strange was going on. i felt myself headed towards the edge again. i pulled back hard. there was no way in hell i was going back down that rabbit hole with adrian again. i had to cut the guy some slack.
it started out on tuesday when things went seriously far in the back seat of the car. no, it didn't go all the way. but it was out of control. dress up over the thighs, glasses on the front seat, pants unzipped, teeth on the neck, panties in the back window, seat grabbing, fogged up windows out of control.
i have no idea how we managed to stop ourselves. i think it was a train whistle and the realization that it was getting dark. either way, we kept our promise to each other. neither of us gave in. and as far as my lust impulses go, this is a major victory for me.
we kissed good bye and we talked until he got home...this is normal for us.
the next day, he drove, and our normal morning conversation was short but pleasant, and he said that he would call later. an uneasy feeling was settling into my stomach, worry lines were creasing my forehead. this was getting weird. he never called.
my mind went into overdrive. not that he was with someone, but that i had called him at the regular time and there was no answer. all night my stomach tied itself in knots. did we go too far? was he having regrets? did he change his mind about everything? about me? was he overwhelmed? why couldn't he just talk to me.
the next morning i got a call from him at 7:30, and apparently he had left his phone in the office. i still was not totally comfortable with this answer. but i had to take it at face value. so i tried. he said he would call me after work. i believed him. and he did, but the conversation was strange. he said that he was tired and was more than likely going to get a hotel room at the holiday inn because he was too tired. he would talk to me tomorrow. i stopped him and said that his drive home was minimal, and he could make it - who on earth is that tired at 4:30 in the afternoon? he laughed and said i had a point but that he had to go and he just hung up.
i was adrift again. this had gotten so out of hand. i just wanted to talk to him and instead i was getting shut out. i was filled with such regret. then i was filled with anger. and then remorse. we had been doing this so backwards, we were never going to get it right. especially not now. i am tempted to say i was beginning to say that i was heart broken, but that would have to mean that i had put my heart into this....and of that particular point, the jury is still out.
not able to take it anymore, i sent him a text, as he wasn't answering his phone. i told him that i am sorry if he was having second thoughts or regrets, but that i was developing anxiety from his lack of genuine communication. and that if he had changed his mind about anything, to just let me know, because we are both adults.
he called friday morning, late. i actually didn't know what to say, so i didn't say anything. i just let him talk. he mentioned nothing about the texts. he actually did stay at the holiday inn. he cut me short because he was trying to get into his room. he slept for a full 11 1/2 hours. he felt better. he told me to have a great day...he would call later.
i was doubtful. and to my shock he called 2 hours later. he had figured out the problem. i didn't know that there was one. he explained that he had been in increasing pain since that sunday. he was feeling sicker and sicker and had honestly thought that he had kidney stones. that was until he went to the bathroom. yeah, he was just constipated. i was being ignored and thrown into a frenzy of anxiety because he couldn't poop. heaven help me, i was furious! he said he had to go, and that he would call me later.
when he did call, i came unglued on him. how dare he treat me like that? how dare he shut me out? he was shocked at the tone i used. i told him that every insecurity that a women could have came into play in those days. he argued that he was sick, and i argued right back that it was not right. if i allowed him to doctor me, allowed him to take liberties in taking care of me, then he had better learn how to talk to me and communicate when he isn't feeling well. i asked him if he cared about me and he said of course, and i told him that i cared about him too, that i trust his judgement and his ability to take care of himself, but that he had to tell me when things are not going right. this was not going to be a relationship where double standards were at play.
it was right then and there in the midst of my tirade that he decided he wanted to communicate. he worries about my health and he wishes he could do more, but i make it painfully obvious (to my own detriment) that i don't want anyone to do for me. i am stubborn to a fault and he tries to understand that. he feels lost sometimes, because what we have is often intense. he is a private person and i have no idea how much he has let me in. sometimes he just doesn't have the words, and the words he does have just are not good enough. i am funny, charming, balanced in cynicism and optimism. i am a walking contradiction. i am fascinating and intriguing. and last of all, how could i ever doubt him, or question how he felt after that tuesday, much less any day...was i not aware of how he responds when he is around me?
i wanted to cave, to give in. but no, not this easy. so we talked longer. each of us sitting in our respective driveways with the sun setting and the stars beginning to shine in the dusky sky. communication. we were going to do more of it. and we are going to do it effectively, honestly.
for the first time, since this began, i felt sure of myself. not of a relationship, this is slow going, and well, strange. but i felt confident in myself. in my 50% stake in this. and i smiled.
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